Celebrity gossip: Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lohan – What happened?

April 11, 2009 in Media, The other | No comments

I’ve been reading about the whole Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lohan split drama. It amazes me that things can get so out of hand. A separation is one thing. It is complex.  Let me explain, for those of you that haven’t kept up with it: In the days leading up to 8th April 2009 it became clear that the Lo-Ro relationship was over. In subsequent days Lo-Ro, respectively, consulted with officials before decamping to opposite sides of LA.

For a while tensions were low. A détente; children played, shops were open, people visited each other, and went about their business. But in secret, taking advantage of the lull, both sides began importing New Forest ponies from the United Kingdom.  At first it seemed innocent.  Pony rides for disadvantaged children, that sort of thing.  Parallel to this they covertly built  training camps in the hills of LA.  Indoctrinating the ponies, re-establishing Emperor worship, beating them half to death, forcing them to fight each other -  so-called beastings, in preparation.

Perez Hilton blamed Lo-Ro’s background in evolutionary biology. We should be careful not to regard this as anything other than speculation. This, we know, on 10th April 2009, approximately seven thousand New Forest ponies, wild eyed, under the influence, fought to the death.

Armed only with broken chair legs strapped to their heads, in what has been called the single most stupid conflict of the 21st Century. According to eyewitnesses West Sunset Boulevard resembled a bad continental abattoir. Several hundred paparazzi escaped unharmed.

Edit:

Since I wrote that Lindsay Lohan has been found guilty of the murder of Simon Cowell, whom she inserted an umbrella into and opened with fatal force. Defense attorneys in the case argued that consent was given. Samantha Ronson has since become a British Airways captain and celebrated baker.

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